Inaguration 2009: What I missed

Post by Joe

So I missed the inauguration.  

I live right outside of DC, I had the day off, and I didn’t go.  

But it seems I  wasn’t the only one.  From what the are saying on the news, only about 2 million people braved the below-freezing temperatures to be there.  Of course, when I say ONLY 2 million people, I mean that compared to the 4-5 million predicted.  2 million is a hell of a lot of people, especially when you consider that the ceremony involved  neither touch downs or smoke monsters.

Despite the cold, however, there were several celebrities, including Will Smith, Jamie Foxxx, Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks, and some guy that was either Matthew Lesko, or the Riddler.  

"Riddle Me THIS, Obama!"

From what I’ve heard, the atmosphere there was incredible.  The crowd was euphoric, hope was in fashion, and Corporate America was doing their best to cheapen the entire affair.  

Perhaps the best piece of news from the day, at least from my point of view, is that Your’s Truely’s very favorite Steam song was sung loud, and sung proud, as the Chopper carrying Bush flew over the National Mall and out of sight.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  That just feels good.  

Now I suppose I would be amiss if I didn’t also mention the biggest “news” story of the day.  That of course being Chief Justice Roberts screwing up the oath, and ruining it for everyone. In-case you missed it:

OMFG!   Now although Obama retook the oath later on in private (sans Bible), Faux News was quick to point out that “Dudes, maybe he isn’t President?”

 

He is, of course.  The oath is purely ceremonial, and the Bible doubly so.  The President Elect becomes the President at noon on inaguration day, regardless of what he reads.  Be it the oath, some shitty poem, or even a recent article on his favorite, criminally under-appreciated humor website.

"And then theres a picture of some dudes on a glacier or something, but guys they are totally talking about LOST anyway"

 

But just for those of you keeping track, here is what you need to be President, according to Conservatives:

Need: Bible, Words

Don’t Need: Votes  

 

The more things change…     Check it to wreck it.

I’m Lost

Post by Joe

OK, so I have never seen even a single episode of the show Lost.  I wanted to watch it, I did.  But I missed the first episode, and you how that story goes; you intentionally abstained for the next few episodes, all in the hopes of someday watching the series from the beginning, with a clean slate.  But soon the episodes become seasons, and before you know it, the show about plane crash survivors has turned into the show about…  well….  I have no freakin’ idea what the damn show is about.

In the past I would go out of my way to avoid information about the show, which at first wasn’t that difficult.  As hard as it may be to believe now, when it premiered, Lost was just another show.  The websites, gossip columns, and discussion threads did not yet exist.  

But with each passing episode, the show grew more popular.  And soon, discussion had reached every corner of the globe.

 

"So what do you guys- Watch out for that crack, there -what do you think is the deal with the smoke monster?"

At first, I was able to artfully dodge any information about the show.  But over the years I began to do so less and less enthusiastically, and slowly bits and pieces began to filter through.  And so over the years, and with no effort on my part, I have absorbed quite a bit of Lost info.  And here it is:

I should, at this point, note that: 1) I have never had the show summarized for me, or read a summary.  My only sources of information are overhead conversations, commercials, and passing mentions of the show in print or on-line.  And 2) This post MAY contain spoilers for the show, or maybe not.  I’m not really sure.

 

1. A bunch of people got stranded on an island when a plane crashed.

2. The island is completely deserted.

3. The island is not deserted, because there are a shit-load of other people living there.

4.  Somehow all the other people left.

5. There is a polar bear.

6. The island must have a lot of food for two big groups of people, and an arctic bear. 

7. There is a smoke monster.

8. The island is an old military base or something.

9. I think there was some teleporting.

10. Some of the people on the island get rescued, and leave the rest behind (wft?)

11. Some of the people are time travelers, but can’t control it.

12. The people who got off the island want to go back to save the people who were left.  (seems like it would have been easier to just not ditch them on an island, jerks)

13. Nobody has any idea whats going on, and apparently that includes the writers.

 

Look, I don’t know how close I am to whats happening, but I’ll say this:  This show must be good, because this sounds RIDICULOUS.

 

Check it to wreck it

Inauguration 2009: I Crapped Out

Post by Joe

As I write this, I am sitting in my parents house in DE.  Hundreds of miles away from DC, the inauguration, the free Bruce Springsteen concert (yesterday),  the Frightened Rabbit concert (tonight), the parties, and the 5 a.m. last calls.  And hundreds of miles away from the 4-5 million people currently descending on the nations capitol with no place to stay or plan on how to get around.

Up until about a month ago, I was thrilled about the coming inauguration.  Back then, in my mind the inauguration weekend was going to be all good times an partying.  I was going to be hopping around the city, hob-nobbing with the political elite, celebrating with the out-of-towners, attending the aforementioned concerts, and then making my way to the mall in the wee hours of the morning and taking my place on the mall*.  

*It is important to note that in my mind, I was able to easily move around the city somehow (teleporting, I guess?) and the weather was in the mid-70s.  It would seem that I didn’t really think it through.

As the event grew closer, however, more and more of the reality dawned on me.  An already over-populated city with an additional 5 million people. DC has some of the worst traffic in the country already, add to that a few hundred thousand tour buses, a couple million extra cars, and a dozen or so closed roads. 

Secondly, as spectacular as I’m sure the view of the steps of the Capitol Building (where the inauguration is talking place) is from halfway between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial (where the crowd is expected to extend too), I may have a better view of the proceedings from my couch.

Thirdly, no matter how loud I yelled it, or how drunk I was (and man, I was gonna be DRUNK) I really doubt that George Bush or anybody in the outgoing administration would hear me singing the Steam song “Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)“

And so I am missing this, likely the second most important event in this generation (counting, of course, the coming apocalypse in 2012).  I chickened out.  I turned tail and ran away.  

Did I make the right move?

Only time (and CNN) will tell.  But I know this; with a forcasted high below freezing and 5,000 port-a-johns as the only available facilities, I think I’d rather crank the Frightened Rabbit on the iPod, check out the inauguration action on the TV, and poop my heart out in climate controlled, indoor plumbing (comparative) luxury.

And so to all those who are planning to brave the crowds this weekend; Celebrate extra hard for me, have a blast, and tomorrow afternoon get the hell of the road and the hell out of town.

 

Check it to wreck it

Man, Fuck a Salami.

Post by Joe

Ok, so first of all, Dave is back (but for how long??)  At least now I’m not the only one too lazy to post on this site.

Second of all, what the fuck salami?

Happy lunch, enjoy your horse.

 

Check it to wreck it.

Alright, I’m taking a Stand

Post by Dave

Every man needs to draw a line somewhere and stand there, patiently waiting to smack the shit out of anyone who dares cross it. Be it verbally or with a stick. I can’t say that I’ve ever really rallied behind any causes in my day or started any for that matter. Movements, riots, revolutions, ideas, dreams.. It’s time.
Now I just need to figure out what I’m standing for.

Time Traveler Password for 2008

Post by Joe

As explained in a previous post, I have started what I believe to be the first Temporal Embassy.  It is a refuge for all time travelers in need of a safe place to crash (only figuratively, in case your time machines is some sort of moving vehicle.)

At any rate, any travelers from the future need only utter to me the password for the year, which I will post on this blog at the end of every year.

The password for 2008 is: consulate.  Had any time traveler contacted me in the last year (they didn’t) they would have had to only utter that word.

As of  12:01 a.m. EST, January 1st, 2009, this word is no longer active.  A new password will be active, and will be posted in January, 2010.

Check it to wreck it