My “To Do” List

Post by Joe

1.  Pack to drive home for Thanksgiving tomorrow.

2.  Finish “Halloween” Post.

3.  Spell cheek this pots.

4.  Do some actual work at work today

5. Get hammered

 

Check it to wreck it

Halloween in Fells Point

Post by Joe

Approximately seven weeks ago, I had the opportunity to visit the city of Baltimore and take part in a local holiday known locally as Halloween.

Halloween celebrations in Baltimore are centered in the neighborhood of Fells Point, and the festivities consist of roughly 5,000 people, mostly between the ages of 20 and 40, dressing in ridiculous costumes and trying to drink their weight in alcohol.  It is a somber holiday indeed.

I would, at this point, regale you with tales of my own personal experience with Baltimore’s Halloween.  Unfortunately, I can’t.  I don’t remember them.  You see, I woke the morning after Halloween with a headache, dry mouth, a feeling of exhaustion, and almost total amnesia for the entire previous evening.  It was the same for many of the people in my group.  Over breakfast, we attempted to piece together just what had happened that night, but we failed.  What strange witchcraft is this?

It was then that I remembered my camera!  A small disposable one that I had purchased the day before, in hopes of documenting what took place.  But had it survived the evening?  And if so…  had I even remembered to use it?

I raced back to the hotel.  Or at least I tried to race.  My headache from the morning was with me still, and it hindered my progress.  But never the less, I made it back to the room and, once there, quickly found my camera.  24 exposures gone.  I had remembered!  To the developer!

Hours past, and the anxiety built.  Questions swirled about my head:  What had happened to me.  To us?  What would the photos reveal?  What could possibly be on the roll?

Finally it was time to retrieve my pictures.  “Inside this envelope,” I though, “is my only chance to learn what happened…”  And so, with trembling hands, I opened the package….

TO BE CONTINUED!!

I Gots to Get Me One of Thoes.

Post by Joe

While on my lunch break the other day, I passed a guy with one of those tear drop tattoos.  Now it has been my understanding that that specific tattoo is meant to suggest that the wearer has killed somebody, or popped a cap in some punk ass, as the kids say.  An odd thing to want to display on your face, to be sure, but undeniably bad ass.  And it got me thinking…  how does one verify the eligability of  the wearer?

What I mean to say is; is this simply an honor system thing, or do you have to prove to the tattoo artist that you have earned such a distinction?  If I was to stroll into some tattoo joint on the wrong side of the tracks, and proclaim that I had just “off-ed some foo’! ” would they accept that?  I’m pretty hardcore,* so I could almost definitely pull that off without a problem.  But what about someone who is less hardcore than I?

*Blogging = Mad Street Cred

What about the parlor themselves?  What kind of responsibility do they have in all this?  Is it like carding for alcohol?  Do you have to provide a witness, or sign a statement saying you actually did kill somebody? (NOTE: Police, you should probably look into that.)

 Or maybe they are really strict.  Maybe you have to actually pump some stool pigeon full of lead right on the spot?  I guess you’d either have to kidnap them, or trick them to coming to the tattoo parlor with you… 

On a totally unrelated note, anybody wanna come with me to get tattoos this weekend?

Anyway, all these questions got me thinking, so I did a little research.   It seems that the teardrop tattoo has several other meanings beyond killing somebody.  In addition to killing, it can mean the wearer is in mourning.  You don’t have to kill anybody, all you have to do is be sad.  And you don’t even have to be sad that somebody is dead, they can just be in prison.  That counts.  So when you think about it; If person A kills person B, then goes to jail, that means all of A’s friends and family, all of B’s friends and family (known as BFFs) AND person A all get tattoos!  That’s a win-win, my friend, with absolutely no negative consequences.  Especially if B was a dick.

And there’s more.  Further on in that same article, it says that in Australia that the tear-drop tattoo means you’ve molested a child.  Wait, what?  What the fuck, Australia?  You had to go and ruin it, didn’t you?  And wait, the person who wears the tattoo is the child molester?  Seriously?  So your all about child molesting, Australia?  That’s how you get down, huh?  You think its cool to brag about shit like that?  Man, that’s fucked up.

Or maybe I’ve jumped to a conclusion unfairly.  It never says that its done to show off, only that it means your a child molester.  Maybe other people hold them down, and force-tattoo them?  That seems a little unlikely.  Seems to me something like that would end with a bunch of one-eyed pedophiles with sloppy grey/blue blobs on the side of their head.  That hardly seems like it should count as a tear-drop.  And even IF that’s the case, what exactly is the plan here? 

Aussie 1: “OK, we need a way to mark all these kid-touchers around here.”

Aussie 2: “What if we hold ‘em down and tattoo ‘PERVERT’ across their face.”

Aussie 1: “That’s good, but how about a little subtlety…”

Aussie 3: “G’day, crikey!”

I gotta stick with my initial reaction on this: What the fuck, Australia.  I don’t know if you guys use it as a scarlet letter style brand or a badge of pederast honor, but either way….  you’ve kinda soured me on the whole thing.  Way to go, Australia.

 

Check it to wreck it

The Happening part 2; M Night Shymalan is scared of nature.

Post by Joe

If you think I spent enough time and energy trashing The Happening in my last post on the subject, well, then, YOU havn’t seen the movie yet.

Once again, this post contains SPOILERS of sorts.  So don’t read it if you still think you might be able to enjoy this movie on anything but an ironic level.

So a quick recap; the plot of The Happening is as follows (buckel your seatbelt): Fed up with mankinds wonton disregard for the environment, the trees get to talking, and apparently devise a plan.  The plan?  To evolve the ability to release a chemical which takes away the self-preservation instinct of anyone exposed to it.  This, of course, causes them to immediatly kill themselves in the most entertaining (read: bloody) way possible.  

Fuck You, Humanity!

 Mark Wahlberg, Zoey Deschanel, John Leguizamo and a handfull of throw away characters decide the best way to get away from the trees is to get out of the major city they live in (Philly) and head to the FUCKING WILDERNESS!  (To be fair, when they first leave the city, they don’t know its the trees.  But once they figure it out, they continue heading into the woods.) 

Anyway, more and more people drop off until its just Mark, Zoey, and some kid.  The situation is getting worse, and they decide they don’t want to live like this, so the just give up.  But guess what?  The trees stopped doing it about half an hour prior to that.  Why?  Who knows.  In the most anti-climactic ending since The Birds, (actually, its the same ending as The Birds but, you know, really shitty) everything just stops.

The film then spends about 15 minutes on two other “endings” just incase the first didn’t leave you pissed off enough.  While the final ending is the general horror movie foder of its ”its all happening again,” (Side note: If there was to be a sequal, Happening Again is the most likely title.  Also of note: A sequal to The Happening would be definative proof that the universe is in fact random horror, devoid of a just and loving God.) the second to last ending takes place three months in the future, and features a news broadcast discussing the event.  A sciencey looking gentelman is explaining to the show’s host and audience what “we now know” about what happened. 

Fuck You, Audience!

 Scientists have, he explains, found traces of this mystery neurotoxin in several common plant species.  Why is it only showing up now?  Well, the plants had to evolve a defense, silly.  A defense against us and our pollutin’ ways.

Lets step back for a moment.  According to M Night Shymalan’s last few films, the following is true of our natural world:  Water melts aliens (Signs), there are wolves made out of grass (Lady in the Water), and trees poison you because they feel like it (The Happening).  I think it’s safe to assume M Night Shymalan’s next film will be about how the air is out to get us.  This is because M. Night Shymalan thinks that natures is fucking scary shit. 

Above: Scary shit

Here is the problem (A problem) Nothing can CHOSE to evolve.  Regardless of how self aware they are.  Evolution happens as a result of random defects which prove useful, and thus propogate through successive generations.  Frogs didn’t evolve webbed feet because they seemed useful.  They evolved them because some ancient frog was born with extra skin between their toes, and it helped them swim/survives/reproduce.  See, not only do animals have no control over these changes (which happen over several generations, btw) but they have to have some kind of compairitve advantage to others members of the species.  It has to help them survive to reproduce.  Thats called Natural Selection.  Darwin came up with that 200 years ago.   So even if this chemical did develope over generations, the fact that they NEVER ONCE used it means that it couldn’t have given them a compairative advantage.

Fuck You, Darwin!

Secondly, and this is what really gets me, IF a tree knew it had to kill people for some reason, and IF it had the ability it essentially will itself super powers, then why the needlessly complicated “neurotoxin that removes humans instinct for self preservation so that they committ suicied” method.  Wanna know what some plants already have that also kills people?  POISON.  Yeah, poison. 

So even if the trees could choose to evolve and kill people, why not just simple poison?  Why some far fetched neurotoxin that makes people commit bloody suicide?  Why did the trees have to be dicks about it?  Seriously?

Fuck You Sideways, Humanity!

But overall, the real reason I hate this movie has nothing to do with the terrible plot, half-assed directing, or outright contempt for the laws of nature.  Its the ham fisted approach to environmentalism.  Like Leo DiCaprio’s overzelous 11th Hour, or Sheryl Crows recomendation to limit toilet paper use, they take an otherwise worthy cause and dump a big bucket of hypocritical crazy all over it.  The trees are going to take up arms against us?  Seriously?  THATS your argument against bad environmental policy?  Not famine, drought, disease?  Not mass extinction, flooding*, or extreme weather?  Not cancer?  Not birth defects?  Of the dozens of legitimate reasons, large and small, to protect the earth, you come up with trees that have superpowers? 

You might as well have dropped your pants, bent over in front of Rush Limbaugh, and offered him an oxycontin if he could make his dick come out your throat.  This is exactly the kind of over-reaching, alarmist propaganda that anti-environmentalists love.  Namely, the kind they can refute.  All they have to do is convince the public that trees wont develope X-men-like abilities as a result of polution (shouldn’t be TOO hard), and then its a simple connect-the-dots before they get to ‘global warming isn’t real’ country.

 

Look, M, I appreciate what your trying to do.  I really do.  The American public has grown appathetic, and it takes a lot to get their attention.  So I understand why you feel the need to exagerate about these issues.  But you really don’t have to, they are troubling enough.  In the end, your only hurting the cause.  If you, and the rest of Hollywood, would just stop producing so much foder for the global warming deniers, they would be left with little to argue against.  If you want to make a difference, then lead by example.  Recycle.  Drive a fuel efficent vehicle (limos don’t count).  Skip the private plane.  Buy organic, buy local.  Sell the mansion, and buy a normal house.  Do some research and use some common sense (if you’ve ever bought eco-friendly bottled water, your an idiot.) And shut up about it.  Actions speak much louder than words.  And if thats too much to ask, then I have one thing to say:

Fuck You, Hollywood!

Check it to wreck it.

ATTN: Would be ‘Firsters’

Post by Joe

Dave and I started this lil’ ol’ blog of ours several months ago, and while traffic has been low, updates irregular, and content sub-par, I would like to take this opportunity to point out the fact that many of our posts have NO comments.  Zero.  Zip.  Zilch.  Znone.

Now that fact doesn’t bother me, and I don’t think it bothers Dave, (and honestly, who cares what Dave thinks anyway?  Am I right?) but I do think it bears mention.  Why, you ask?  Because of the terrible missed opportunity it implies.

How many times have you found yourself carousing the comments of a blog post, news story, or video?  There you are, clicking backwards through page after page of days old flame wars, know-it-all assholes, and unintelligible spam-bots, only to finally arrive at the at the original comment.  And what do you find?  Someone has chosen, simply, to post ‘First’.  No more.  No less.

Who are they, those who first?  Surely, they have some opinion on what they have just seen.  Some little know fact to add, or a personal anecdote to share?  And yet they abstain.  Choosing instead to post only ‘First’.  Like a footprint upon the moon, they leave only the smallest trace they were ever even there.  Elegantly simple, truly, these Firsters are as Gods among men.

And here is where YOU come in.  I am offering you the once in a lifetime opportunity to join the elite ranks of the Firsters.  The distinction that so many strive so hard to achieve, but that seems forever just beyond reach for but a golden few.  And not just that!  With so many posts without comments, you have the chance to become a multiple ‘first’ poster.  A king among kings.  Just like Jesus.

And that’s it.  You have made it.  You are a Firster.  No more will you be forced to comb Youtube for an unseen video.  No more will you have to stay awake through all hours of the night, waiting for your favorite website to update.  No more will you feel your hand tremble with anticipation as you scroll to the bottom of a new post, only to see that you have been beaten to the punch.  And no more will you have to settle with posting ’second’ or worse…

Nice try, losers

Time is short, so act now!  Be the FIRST on your block to post on Potato Joy!

Thats right, I went there.

 

Check it to wreck it.

Giftshops Around World Announce Shortage of ‘American Flag’ Backpack Patches

News from the future

Post by Joe

In the week since the US electorate voted 5,000 to 6 to elect Barack Obama the 44th American President, an unintended consequence has emerged from the souvener shops all across the planet:  “We’re out of [American] Flag patches,” said Allison Jones, owner of Portland’s What Have You.., a popular local giftshop.  “The kind kids wear on their backpacks in Europe.  You know, like the Canadian ones, but American.”

The ‘Canadian ones’ Mrs. Jones is reffering to are the roughly index card sized Canadian Flags cloth patchs, which american college students often affix to their gear when backpacking across Europe.

“It worked well, especially the last eight years,” Avid backpacker Richard Dunham explained, “When people found out you were American, it was Bush this and Bush that.  They just wouldn’t let up.  But slap a Maple Leaf on your bag, and your set.  I mean, what are you going to talk about with a Canadian?  Hockey?”

Across the train stations and hostels of Europe, the Old Glory patchs now outnumber their northern counterpart almost three to one.  A dramatic shift from just a few weeks ago, when it seemed the ol’ stars and bars were nowhere to be found.

“I’ve never been ashamed to be American.  I want to make that clear,” said Dunham “but its different now.  All over, people are coming up to me and shaking my hand, patting me on the back…  its wild.  Yesterday, a French guy was almost NICE to me”

“I was in Amsterdam the other day, and a coffee shop owner gave me a free joint, just because of the election!  Wild!”  Said Katie Sinclair, another backpacker.

Across the contry, the feeling seems to be the same.  Perhaps the most telling, however, were the comments of youg backpacker Ryan Brown.  When asked how long he had been displaying the American flag on his backpack, he explaind “Just a few days….  But thats because I’m actually Canadian.”

Guns N’ Roses Release ‘Chinese Democracy’ to Thundering Indifference.

A Review From the Future

 

 Post by Joe

Wednesday, November 24th - It has been 24 hours now since the long delayed, occasionally anticipated, sixth studio album from the once over-ratted Guns N’ Roses was released, and ever since Best Buy parking lots around the country have been awash in Thunderbirds and denim jackets.

Guns N’ Roses, who’s 14 track Greatest Hits album contains 5 covers, have been threatening to release CD for over a decade, keeping dozens in prolonged suspense.  However, despite having almost 15 years to drum up anticipation, the album preformed far worse than expected. 

Some blame meager sales on the record company’s failure to release the album on cassette, the preferred format for most GNR fans, while others were unsure as to who “Guns N’ Roses” was.

Lead singer Axel Rose, seen here ruining cornrows for everyone

Others, still, point to the bands inability to write decent music.  “Sure, ‘Appetite for Destruction’ was considered a great album when it was released, but that in 1987.” Said music critic Doug Bennett in a phone interview this afternoon.  “How hard was it to write a good song in 1987?  I mean Whitesnake cracked the Billboard Top 10 that year for Christ’s sake!  Whitesnake!  Remember this is the decade that gave us Van Halen and Motley Crue.  Guns N’ Roses were not that great 20 years ago, and time has not been kind to them.  Did you see that performance they did on MTV a few years back.  Simply Embarrassing” 

“I think our biggest mistake,” said Robin Finck, long time guitarist for the band, ”was to release the album almost two decades after anyone gave a damn about us.  Sure, we still have fans, but they are as irrelevant as we are.”

Lead singer Axel Rose has not been seen since shortly after the first reviews of the album appeard, and some fear the worst.  “He had mentioned plans to record two additional albums after Chinese Democracy.  He could very well be working on those right now.” A visibly distraught Sebastian Bach, adding “All that we can do now is hope that is not the case.” 

When Bach, a good friend of Axel, and contributor on CD, was asked to explain the poor album sales, he responded “Oh man, I mean, have you heard it?  It’s terrible.”

Editor’s Note – At press time there has been no word from Axel Rose.  Our thoughts and prays are with him, his family, and everyone affected by the tragedy of Chinese Democracy.

Thank you, and I’m sorry

Post by Joe

As many of you out there are probably aware, yesterday (November 4th, 2008) was a very historic day.  Yesterday evening at…….. lets say 9:37 p.m. EST, this blog reached 1,000 hits.  That’s right, 1,000 hits.  And according to our stats page, the overwhelming majority of you arrived at this site after searching for something related to Jurassic Park IV, Fake Movie Posters, or Fake Jurassic Park IV movie posters.  As such, you were probably more than a little disappointed when your browser pointed you here.  Sorry.

I do apologize to you.  I am sorry you wasted your time coming here.  I am not sorry, however, that I did it.  It has taught me a valuable lesson about bloging.  Namely:

Barak Obama, Iron Man 2, Delaware, Iron Man 3, The Avengers, Oprah, Knowmore.org, The Avengers 2, Gogol Bordello, Captain America, The Watchmen, Batman 3, Christmas, Marmaduke Explained, Jaws: Darkest Waters, Stuff White People Like, Knowmore.org, Dinosaur Comics, John McCain, Micheal Ian Black, iPod, Chinese Democracy, Joe Biden, Baltimore, Dogfish Head,  Knowmore.org, Groundwater, Velociraptor, xkcd.com, Jurassic Park 4, Cities,  Spiderman 4, Spiderman 5, Potatojoy, Silver Surfer, Congo, Resession, The Happening, Halloween 2009, Flying Dog, Fell’s Point, Theobroma, Megan Fox, The Simpsons, Knowmore.org, Cracked.com, Arrested Development, Blackberry Storm, Futurama, Shark, Dr. Pepper, The Duke Spirit, Stone Arrogant Bastard  Ale, eFossile, Star Wars VII, Frightened Rabbit, The Internet, Tupac, Rock Band 2, Axel Rose, Max’s On Broadway, Google,  Knowmore.org, Questionable Content, Wikipedia, Radiohead, Global Warming, 9:30 Club, Nirvana, Washington DC, Luke Warm, 60 Minute IPA, The Big Lebowski, jambase.com.

Lets see what kind of hits we get with THAT!

Yes We CAN…    Check it to wreck it.

Seriously, though, check out Knowmore.org.  Its a great group devoted to informing YOU so that YOU can make informed purchases.