Birthdays

Yesterday was my birthday.
In honor of me turning 24 I want the following:

Family: Send me birthday cards and call.

Friends: Wish me happy birthday vicariously through MySpace.

People I don’t know: Continue to not care.

Squirrels

Post by Dave

I’ve always kind of wanted a pet squirrel.

Black squirrels in Russia have been accused of pack behavior in the murder and consumption of a dog.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4489792.stm

Squirrels are often the cause of power outages. They have brought down the high-tech NASDAQ stock market twice and were responsible for a spate of power outages at the University of Alabama. http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Risks/16.30.html#subj1

Squirrel fishing is the sporting practice of “catching” squirrels and attempting to lift them into the air using a peanut tied to a string or fishing line, and optionally some kind of fishing pole. (Possibly the inspiration for gopher fishing).
http://www.wafu.ne.jp/~yaz/gallery/Squirrels1997q1/sp97_010_med.jpg
http://vickiporter.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/24547080_9460310606.jpg

Squirrel playing dead.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfijvBN2GMM

Squirrels being awesome

I’ve Got Good News, and Bad News…

Post by Joe

The bad news is; there is no good news.

But the good news is; there is no bad news.

 

I’ll be here all week, ladies and gentlemen!!

Check it to wreck it.

Fake movie posters

Post by Joe

Photoshop is, without question, the greatest thing ever.  Remember back in the dark ages, when if you saw a photograph of something, you were like “Oh, that happened.”  Remember when you could post a picture of your grandma online without half a dozen idiots commenting “FAKE!!!  Teh lighting on the dentures is wrong!”

Well those days are over.  Kiss them goodbye!  Now anybody can fake anything, and that fact is more than enough for any moron with IE6 and a tentative grasp on the English language to cast doubt on somebodies vacation photos.  Especially that one of a really pretty sunset.  That maybe they had to get up at 5:30 just to take.  Regardless of how that might make that person feel.

But you take the good with the bad.  All that was real is fake, and all that was impossible, reality.  The camera doesn’t like, but Photoshop fibs like a mother fucker.  One of those things that you see popping up on the net is fan-movie posters.  Fan made posters for upcoming movies that may or may not ever actually happen.  It can actually be kinda fun, and in fact I have even dabbled myself.  Below are a few examples.  Some I like, some I don’t.  Here goes:

 

 

 

 So this first one I kind of half ass-ed.  I made it a couple years ago for a Bond movie that doesn’t exist, shortly after Casino Royal first started getting hyped.  My original plan was to have a set of dice showing snake eyes, or cards showing a full house.  Then I wanted either bullet casings, or a smoking gun.  But I couldn’t find any good photos of any of ‘em online.  If I was to do it again, I think I would add a faint image of a skull, and change the colors to black and silver.  As it is, it’s kinda boring.  But I do like the name.  I think it works for a bond movie.

 

 

 I made this next one after I heard about the new Indiana Jones movie that just came out. Before I knew the name, or heard about the plot or anything.  For the record, I still haven’t seen it, but I hear bad things.  At any rate, the idea behind it is that Indy, standing in the entrance of a cave, represents his return to the big screen.  I also had a version without the title of the movie.  Only the image with the date at the bottom.  As iconic as Dr. Jones is, I think it gets the point across quite nicely.

 

 

 

 Jurassic Park 4.  Wishful thinking on my part, and by ‘wishful’, I mean ‘would continue to ruin the series, but I really like to watch cgi dionsaurs eat people for an hour and a half.’ I know another Jurassic Park movie would likely have a really dumb plot (see: Jurassic Park 2, 3) but DINOSAURS. DINOSAURS. How much plot do you really need?  After all, the first rule of film making is Boobs>Explosions > Car chases > Dinosaurs, Dragons, Sharks, or Asteroids > Well developed characters and a meaningful plot. 

At this point, I think they have exhausted every possible reason for the characters to think “Hey, lets go to that dinosaur island.  I’m SURE nothing will go wrong THIS time.”  So whats next?  ”Let’s bring dinosaurs back to the city!!  I’m REALLY SURE nothing will go wrong THIS time” of course.  The image is a little rough around the edges, and I think if I was to work on it again, I would change the wording to “COMING SUMMER 2008″ with ‘coming’ slightly larger, and above the other wording so that its read “COMING………. summer 08.”

 

Once again, Jaws 5 would probably suck out loud. But 2 hours of sharks is almost as good as 2 hours of dinosaurs.  Besides, in this world of Hellboy 2’s and The Mummy 3’s (4’s if you count The Scorpion King, which I DO), how bad could another Jaws movie really be?  Besides, it doesn’t have to suck.

Maybe Richard Dreyfus could come back, old and bitter from a life of watching humans destroy his beloved sharks, along with the rest of the environment, racked with feelings of guilt over his past.  Perhaps he returns to Amity, joined by his youger (prettier) research assitant (and love interest?), only this time he is there to protest attempts by the town to murder another “killer” shark.  And maybe the couple take to sea to study the misunderstood creature.  But soon after, their boat suffers mysterious mechanical problems, leaving the couple stranded at sea.  Suppose the shark attacks, and kills the young assistant.  Suppose Dreyfus is forced to watch, helpless, as his young love is ripped from his arms, and devoured.  Upon his return to shore, Dreyfus enlists a small crew and a boat, and returns to sea, only now its not about the environment.  Its not about saving the town.  Its back to Man vs. Shark, and its about revenge…

Attention Hollywood, I just wrote your movie, AND designed your poster.  Oscar me, bitches.

Oh, and for the record, I would like to say that while I took most of the images from the internet (thnx goodle image search), I made the shark FROM SCRATCH.  Thats right, bitchs, that mofo is home made.

Alright then, good night internet,

Check it to wreck it.

The Great Youtube Mystery…

Post by Joe

Below is quite possibly the funniest thing ever.  Its a video I stumbled across on youtube.  Why it hasn’t become the biggest viral hit in history it truely beyond me.  I mean this video makes chocolate rain and star wars kid look like shindlers list (that is to say, not funny.)

Trouble is, I can’t figure out if its for real or not.  Don’t get me wrong, if it is staged, it is a fantastic.  Genious.  Like Andy Kauffman good.  If its real…  hands down funniest thing ever.

The video is below.  Judge for yourself.

 

Your welcome for making your lfe 300% funnier.

Check it to wreck it

Joe and Dave’s Temporal Embassy

Post by Joe

One summer in college, I stayed on campus to take a class I needed that wouldn’t fit into my schedule.  Then I learned of another class being taught that summer:  The Philosophy of Time Travel.  That’s right.  I actually took a class on the subject of time travel.  A subject that may or may not actually exist.  A subject that, so far, has been used only as a literary device.  (Gotta love college!  $Thanks$ mom and dad!)  But just like psychology or economics, taking one class on the subject qualifies me as an expert.

As an “expert” on time travel, I believe it is my responsibility to be familiar with well know time travel narratives.  As I reviewed some of the writings and films centered on the subject of time travel, several constant themes appear.  One of the more common is a time traveler venturing to the past in order to prevent an emergency.  I figure its only a matter of time until somebody has to return to the past in order to save the world/galaxy.  When that happens, they usually need an ally in the past.  Who are they going to come to.  I got to thinking, it sure would be helpful if there was somebody in the past (our present) who was willing to accept that they actually are a time traveler.  I could be that somebody.  Sure I don’t have access to lots of weapons, or the president, or crystals to build lasers, or a really fast car for chase scenes  But I am relatively easy to convince.  That’s gotta count for something.  Plus you can crash on my couch for a while if you want.

And so it is with great pleasure that I announce the initiation of the Temporal Embassy…

Once a year, I will post a password on this page.  Any time traveler wishing to convince me need only recite the password from the PREVIOUS year.  At that point, I will do whatever is need to help fight off the coming alien invasion, or nano-bot attack, or nuclear world war, or whatever.  I have the password for this year, and it will be posted on July 1st, 2009.  Additionally, for all you west-coast time travelers, I will encourage Dave to begin a similar program.  You know, in case your time machine can’t do distance.  You know, like one of those portal time machines.  We are all about convenience here at the Temporal Embassy.

That’s all for now,

Check it to wreck it.

Today I am a blogger…

Post by Joe

So basically, after a long absence, I make a post only to apologize for the lack of new material posted.  Which I followed up with several more days without new material.  Man, I am really getting the hang of this blogging thing.

Anyway, I do plan to make new posts on a more regular basis starting very soon.  Lets say two a week to start.  And if that works, then I may crank it up even more.  I can’t speak for Dave, or at least I shouldn’t, but what the hell; 6 posts a day for Dave.  And they better be good, Dave.

I know its not a huge deal, seeing as how nobody reads this blog, but lets just say alienating potential readers after their first visit because of a lack of material is really not our goal.

That’s it for now,

Sleep tight, Internet.

Check it to wreck it….

JOE

HOLY CARP!! An update! And a typo! What a day!!1

Post by Joe

Dave is alive, I am alive, and PotatoJoy is alive.  Our internal struggle between ambition (making posts) and laziness (not making posts) has been somewhat lop-sided lately, but not to worry.  Like the guy who “mentally packs” until the last minute before leaving on a trip, we have been coming up with ideas.  We have been idea-ating.  And it is gold,  pure gold.  Also, with filler.  Lots and lots of filler…

More to come people

 

Check it to wreck it.

Warning:

post by Dave

Excessive drinking may cause spontaneous combustion.

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At one point those who were pro prohibition actually touted this as a legit statement.